There are two questions I get most often as a spiritual director: What is it spiritual direction, anyway? And, isn’t it just someone telling you what to believe, again?
The first question, what is spiritual direction, is fairly straight forward these days:
Spiritual direction is a relationship of support and companionship where the focus is on the health and care of your spirit/soul/spiritual life.
My definition
It is important to point out that this definition has changed a bit over time. Spiritual direction (the modern formal practice) began among Roman Catholic monastics in the late 19th & early 20th century, and its focus was on growing closer with God in the context of that tradition. Early spiritual directors in that tradition were often quite directive (hence the name), guiding their seekers along a set path for spiritual development that matched the church’s teachings.
Today however, spiritual direction (sometimes called spiritual companioning or spiritual companionship) is not limited to Roman Catholicism, or Christianity. And in general it is no longer directive. Inter-religious dialog and shifting population has fueled this welcome change. Historically, many religious traditions have had similar concepts to spiritual direction. Even Christianity included the concept of spiritual mentorship long before the formal practice of spiritual direction was made concrete. Buddhism, and Judiasm most notably both have long traditions of mentorship and guidance to encourage and help members of those religions grow and mature (in accordance to the values of each religion). But we find similar patterns in indigenous traditions and many others.
It isn’t new for humans to seek out those they think have some wisdom and experience to aid them in their journey. A key to modern spiritual direction though is that it is meant to be seeker guided, and for anyone.
Simply put we are all spiritual, though that word has been applied so narrowly that many folks don’t think of themselves that way.
Human beings are complex creatures. We feel emotions, we think complex thoughts, and most of us will, at some point in our lives, have an experience of something greater than ourselves. That might be a feeling of oneness with all things, a dissolving of ego, an encounter with a distinct Divine/God, an overwhelming experience of beauty and awe, a connection with nature, or something else entirely. (These encounters are as diverse as we are.) (Notice that a belief in God/gods isn’t a requirement for these kinds of experiences, or for spiritual direction!)
And (this is key) all of those experiences are mixed up in the imperfection of life. In our history with family, the religious institutions we have belonged to, our expectations and hopes, our traumas, the assumptions of our culture, and more. The messiness of being human means we often need help to make sense of experiences of beauty, Otherness, or Oneness in the midst of our complex ordinary lives.
And this is why most cultures, religions, and spiritual traditions have had some concept of a spiritual mentor, guide, or companion. Their roles have differed around the world and through time but the why is the same: it isn’t easy being a thinking, feeling, sensing creature and we don’t do well at it alone.
But, and this is important, there are a lot of roles that a spiritual director isn’t. A spiritual director is not a guru, or confessor, they are not someone who tells you the way it must be, or who is meant to test your adherence to a specific tradition (of practices, or beliefs). They are not an arbiter of grace, forgiveness, or connection with a deity. Those roles are all important in various religious/cultural/spiritual traditions, but they are filled by others.
A spiritual director is someone who walks with you, and spiritual direction is a conversation.
Your spiritual director can be someone from an entirely different spiritual tradition because you are the expert in this particular conversation, they are an open and listening companion. You are the only one who can know your own particular experiences of that which is Other, or the cultural context in which you live and move and have your being.
Ideally, your spiritual director listens deeply and without judgement, and asks wise questions that will help you make sense of your experience. When we are at our best, spiritual directors hold up a mirror for you to see yourself and your journey with more clarity.
So in short, the answer to the second question is: no, in a modern spiritual direction relationship your spiritual director should never tell you what to think, feel, or believe. They should help you learn how to ask good questions, how to interrogate your own answers, and support you as you walk your particular and unique path.
So then how do you find the right spiritual director?
I think this is really the key question, and sadly the hardest to answer. There is just no easy quick solution. Once you understand the basics of what spiritual direction is, and feel it would serve you in this season, the next step is to find a spiritual director who is a good match for you and your journey, but there is not just one way of doing this. However, you aren’t entirely alone in your search.
Start with who you know. Ask around. You might be surprised which of your friends has a spiritual director, or that your therapist has a few she refers her clients to and trusts. If you have connections to a religious community ask there, your rabbi or meditation teacher probably has recommendations!
But, if you (like many modern humans) don’t have a religious or spiritual community you aren’t out of luck.
Spiritual Directors International (SDI) (a voluntary professional organization for spiritual directors and companions from across many traditions) maintains a search tool that includes a large number of their members (members choose to be listed). There you can search through all the spiritual directors registered with SDI, see information about who they are, who they usually work with, and their areas of expertise. You can find the search tool here. (Most spiritual directors would also call themselves spiritual companions so if that is what you are looking for I suggest checking both those boxes in this search tool.)
Another option to consider: many cities have an Ignatian Spirituality Center who typically maintain a list of local spiritual directors. Some centers even include a “matchmaking” service. You do not have to be Roman Catholic (or even Christian) to use these resources (most of the time, there may be exceptions). The local ISC near me interviews all the directors in their reference network, provides continuing education, and will interview you to determine what you need and who might be the best match. This service may come with a request for a donation.
And finally, don’t be afraid to reach out to local religious organizations that share similar values with you, even if you aren’t a member. Many of them will have contacts with directors/companions who will also share your values.
What matters most when searching for a spiritual director is to be clear about what you need and want from your director and ask a lot of questions. Check out their website even before you talk to them (no this isn’t stalking, that’s why it is there)! Read what they’ve written, not just about spiritual direction. Do they seem like someone you could be safe and comfortable with? If not, go elsewhere no matter how highly they were recommended.
Most spiritual directors will offer a short (20 minutes or so) introductory call (or visit if local) where you can ask questions and get to know one another. Ask questions. If you aren’t sure where to start here are some I’ve used when searching for my own spiritual director.
- Ask how they conduct sessions.
- Ask what their philosophy of spiritual direction or companioning is.
- Ask about how they handle payment (do they work on a sliding scale, for example), do not feel ashamed about what you can or cannot afford!
- Ask about their training, professional credentials, and background. You absolutely don’t need a degree to be a spiritual director but you do need experience and training.
- Ask if they are in supervision. (This is a form of continuing learning and accountability with a senior spiritual director/companion with whom they discuss their work, ethics, boundaries, and ways to improve their companioning. )
- Ask if they have their own spiritual director/companion (if they don’t I would not work with them.)
- If there are particular religious traumas or issues you want to work through ask about their experience with these situations.
- It is OK to ask about things like LGBTQIA+ inclusion, antiracism commitments, and other “hot button issues.” This is your spiritual health, you get to fully vet the person you work with.
- Ask any other questions you might have!
I suggest sleeping on the decision before deciding whether or not a director is right for you. That said, sometimes we walk away from a meeting knowing immediately that the answer is “no.” Trust that. It is always appreciated to let a director know your decision either way. But it isn’t required if you felt uncomfortable with your interactions with them.
Have more questions about spiritual direction/companioning? Drop me a line, hit me up on Twitter or Mastodon. I’d love to chat.
